Five Things Better than LaVar Ball

By Spencer Bowen

Last week LaVar Ball transitioned from harmless hawker of ridiculously-priced shoes to distasteful villain. Ergo, the time has come for the journalistic juggernaut that is Antland Sports to destroy him. Because as Sean Connery knows, the pen is mightier.

In an interview with Fox Sports radio personality Kristine Leahy, Papa Ball said his family’s burgeoning Big Baller Brand is focused on marketing to “big ballers” and is not a “women’s company.” You can listen to the interview here (via Bleacher Report). You can also read more about his unrelated, equally unfortunate statement to Kyrie Irving here (via CBS Sports).

When LaVar was lying about how good he is at basketball and walking like this, he may have been annoying but he was benign. By implying that women are not “big ballers,” Curt Schilling and I would like to welcome LaVar to the most damning of membership groups, the Antland Public Enemy List. Maybe Curt and LaVar can throw a really poorly-attended rally for $495 shoes.

In my experience, women are superior to men in about 95% of all things. That remaining 5% consists of silly stuff like usually being taller and remembering occasionally fun but mostly useless sports facts. Otherwise, women win. I mean, they’re moms. Nothing is better than moms.

Women are big ballers. Way more so than guys.

Not only is LaVar running a male-only, overpriced, bullshit business model (a full 500 pairs of shoes sold in the first week!), he’s 100% wrong and definitely a mean person.

Here’s a list of things that are better than LaVar Ball:

  • Lil Wayne’s verse on “Truffle Butter. I’m a full-fledged Lil Wayne fan, but this verse accurately summed up a career spiraling downward from the unimpeachable highs of “Tha Carter III” to saying things like

“I ain’t nothin’ like your last dude

what’s his name? Not important

I bought some cocaine, you can snort it.” 

His effort on this track is made even worse when compared to Nicki Minaj’s snarling rebuke of other rappers imitating her style (paging Iggy Izalea):

“Your whole style and approach, I invented

And I ain’t takin’ that back, ’cause I meant it.” 

Lil Wayne’s contribution? Awful. Still better than LaVar Ball.

  • Katy Perry’s SNL performance. Katy’s performance had one redeemable quality: this kid. Overall: Still better than LaVar Ball.

 

  • Those Taco Bell chicken triangle things. I realize I may be in the minority here, but a sketchy triangular piece of “chicken” from America’s Leader in Indigestion does not appeal to me. Plus, these are literally just rebranded chicken nuggets. Still better than LaVar Ball.

 

  • “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” While it’s definitely better than 2011’s “Revenge of the Fallen” and 2014’s “Age of Extinction” (a combined Rotten Tomatoes score of 39%), this is still a really bad film. That said, I can’t wait for June’s “The Last Knight.” Yes I will see it at midnight, and I plan to see 2019’s sixth Transformers movie (!) at midnight as well. The Transformers film franchise: objectively terrible. Still better than LaVar Ball.

 

  • Sketchers Shape Ups. I think Joe Montana should have to forfeit one of his Super Bowl rings for endorsing this abomination of a shoe. Still better than LaVar Ball.
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